Too much of anything isn't a good thing, and yet I find myself continually struggling to stay somewhere in the middle of things. When I think of balance, I think of a teeter-totter. There's usually a piece in the center and a long plank that is equal in length on both sides of the center. When both sides of the teeter totter are equal and distributed evenly, the plank is balanced. Realistically it would be great if we had perfect balance all the time....but life isn't like that. And frankly, it wouldn't be very interesting and we wouldn't learn very much in the process.
There are lots of ways that we lose balance in our lives. From a mental health perspective, losing balance can cause all kinds of different issues, but most commonly issues such as depression and anxiety. We tend to do things to self-medicate or numb ourselves when we become overwhelmed with life....we over-eat, over-spend, over-work, over-sleep.....all because we have lost that sense of balance. If we have too much going on in life we can become anxious. If we don't have enough going on we lack meaning in our lives which can then lead to a sense of boredom and even depression.
I decided to come up with this little mnemonic device to illustrate how I feel about the concept of finding balance:
Be kind to yourself
Allow others to help
Learn to say "no"
Adjust your perspective
Nobody's perfect
Cut out the insignificant stuff
Embrace the important stuff
I want to go through and talk about each one individually and why I think it is important in the quest for balance.
Be kind to yourself
When we have a lot on our plates, what usually ends up being the last priority? Ourselves. I think this is especially true with mothers. We do what comes natural to us by putting our children before ourselves, and while it is a noble pursuit we forget the importance of investing in ourselves.
I didn't start understanding the value of being kind to myself until my graduate program. It's a well-known fact that helping professions such as counselors, teachers, nurses, etc tend to have a high rate of burnout. That is why my program has a major focus on self-care. We are required to have a self-care plan for ourselves, and to follow-through with it. We were even required to do a paper on it one semester, and it has been brought up and discussed in pretty much every class I've taken so far in one way or another. When we don't take care of ourselves, we are more likely to become stressed which can cause us to literally worry ourselves sick. And what good are we to our children (or anyone else for that matter) when we're not at our best? You might think that being kind to yourself is a selfish thing when in fact it is crucial and necessary in living a balanced life. When we invest in ourselves we become better versions of ourselves, and we are able to be that much better for others (like our children). And what a great example we can be to our children by showing them that we value ourselves, and that we are worth it.
Allow others to help
This is something I personally struggle with. I want to pretend I am super woman, that I can do it all and handle it all. Well you might be able to carry this on for a short time but eventually you will crash and burn. We don't want to admit that maybe, just maybe, we need help once in a while.
I believe that an important part of seeking balance is being willing to let others help us and being willing to ask for help. Admitting we need help requires a degree of vulnerability, and let's face it, being vulnerable is hard. It allows others to see that we are not perfect. But you know what else is great about showing vulnerability? It shows that we're human. And it helps others to see that they can be vulnerable too and that it's okay. If you want to see an awesome video on the power of vulnerability, click here.
Learn to say "no"
It's interesting how the word "no" is one of the first words that children learn to say. I think about when my daughter was learning to talk and how her favorite word for everything was "no".
Me: "Give mommy the [insert sharp pointy object here], please"
My daughter: "No!"
Me: "You need to eat your green beans if you want to have a popsicle"
My daughter: "No!"
Me: "It's time to take a bath and get ready for bed now"
My daughter: "No!"
And yet, when it comes to being an adult, saying "no"(especially to other adults) is one of the most difficult things you can do. I think the reason why it's so difficult is the majority of us out there enjoy doing things for others and don't want to disappoint. We don't want others to think that we aren't willing to help out, or that we are incapable of handling it. We don't want to appear weak. But learning to say "no" once in a while not only sets healthy boundaries with others, it is crucial in finding balance.
Adjust your perspective
A major concept that has been emphasized in my counseling program is the idea that we need to see the world from the client's frame of reference. Everyone has a different perception of their reality, and it is subjective to that person. We all come from unique circumstances that shape the people we are.....this makes life interesting, but it also makes life complicated at times.
Nobody's perfect
One of my favorite musical artists is Pink. She is so spunky and doesn't give a crap what anyone thinks of her.....I love it! One of my favorite songs by Pink is called "Perfect", and I wanted to share a portion of the lyrics with you:
"Made a wrong turn, once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss "no way, it's all good", it didn't slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing
Underestimated, look I'm still around
Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You are perfect, to me...."
(Lyrics found here)
There's the common phrase that we are our own harshest critic. Oftentimes we set unrealistic expectations for ourselves that just set us up for failure and discouragement. Obviously having ambition is a good thing....it helps to motivate us and give us purpose. It enables us to set amazing goals and work to achieve them. But expecting perfection from ourselves (and of others for that matter) is a recipe for disaster. We need to recognize that while setting our sights high is a good thing, we can't beat ourselves up if we don't always meet them. We need to be able to see the positive things we have achieved, and pat ourselves on the back every once in a while.
Cut out the insignificant stuff
I think this one pretty much speaks for itself. I'm reading a book right now called His Needs, Her Needs For Parents: Keeping Romance Alive by Dr. William F. Harley. He talks about the importance of couples finding time throughout the week to spend quality time together in an effort to keep romance alive in a marriage. He illustrated how much time we really have in a week, and how if we make our marriage a priority we will find the time. I think this not only applies to our relationships but to managing time in general. If I really sat down and figured out how much time I wasted playing around on facebook or checking email I would probably be sick!
Here is an excerpt from Dr. Harley's book:
"There are only so many hours in a week, and we have only so much energy. So when we find ourselves overwhelmed with responsibilities, we must prioritize them and eliminate the ones that are least valuable to us. A week consists of 168 hours - seven 24 hour days. If you sleep 8 hours a day, that leaves you 112 waking hours. An hour to take a shower and have breakfast in the morning (7 hours), about half an hour to get to and from work on weekdays (3 hours), and about 15 minutes to get ready for bed each night (2 hours) leaves 100 hours."
Embrace the important stuff
To find balance we need to take the time to evaluate what is important to us and make sure that we put those things first....then all the fluffy stuff that seems important just fades away and we're left with the good stuff. It's so easy to get caught up in things that aren't necessarily bad but that distract us from what is important. There's a million things that distract us these days, and the advancement of technology has just made it worse. While all the cool gadgets out there now are helpful and make life easier, they also divert our attention elsewhere.
It's amazing how fast life goes by. Every so often I will stop, look at my kids and think "where has the time gone?" And when it comes down to it, family really is the most important thing. Our children grow up so fast, and it's hard to think that before long they will be grown up and gone. As challenging and frustrating and difficult as parenting can be, it is also the most rewarding experience I have ever had. I have never felt so much joy than being a parent. The relationships we have with our family and friends really are the most important thing, and recognizing that is crucial in finding balance.
